25 qUESTIONS: aM i an adult child?
These questions offer insight into some ways children are affected by growing up in many kinds of dysfunctional households including but not limited to environments with problem drinking or drug use, dysfunctional food or sex issues, workaholism, mental illness, hypochondriaism, ritualistic beliefs, harsh punishment, extreme secretiveness, ultra-religiosity, militarism, sadism, neglect, abuse, perfectionism, or shaming where expectations are often too high and praise is tied to accomplishment rather than given freely.
1. Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?
2. Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?
3. Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?
4. Did your parents focus on each other (or something else) so much that they seemed to ignore you?
5. Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?
6. Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one relative against another?
7. Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?
8. As an adult, do you feel immature, like you are a child inside?
9. As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with your parents?
10. Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parent’s feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?
11. Do you fear authority figures and angry people?
12. Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?
13. Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?
14. Do you ever over-commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?
15. Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?
16. Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?
17. Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?
18. Do you involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?
19. Do you equate sex with intimacy?
20. Do you confuse love and pity?
21. Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there?
22. Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?
23. Do you behave one way in public and another way at home?
24. Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs?
25. Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?
(ACA Red Book, pp. 18-20)
Characteristics of adult children of alcoholics
1) We guess at what normal behavior is. Because of our environment, we had no role models for normalcy, so we acted the way we saw other people act, people we thought were normal, and continued this performance into our adult lives.
2) We have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end; we procrastinate. Procrastination in the usual sense is the result of laziness. Adult children of alcoholics have never been taught how to solve a problem in systematic, manageable amounts. It was always all or nothing. Consequently, we don’t have adult life skills.
3) We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Lies, specifically lies of denial, were used to benefit the alcoholics and para alcoholics of our homes.
4) We judge ourselves without mercy. Since there is no way for us to meet the unattainable standards of perfection we have internalized from childhood, we are always falling short of the mark we have set for ourselves. If we are responsible for some positive outcome we dismiss it by saying, “Oh, that was easy,” and so on. This is often confused with humility but is actually poor self-esteem. We should keep our poor self-esteem in mind when taking the Fourth and Fifth steps.
5) We have difficulty having fun. For most of us having fun was just a childhood fantasy. We were always imprisoned by the anger and hostility of alcoholism, even if physically removed from the alcoholic, the disease was already part of us.
6) We take ourselves very seriously. The normal spontaneity of childhood was squashed so many years ago by the pressure to be adult. Living with one or more addicts forced us to be on guard constantly. Seriousness was the only option. Now we can’t have fun.
7) We have difficulty with intimate relationships. For most of us the only reference of intimate relationships was that of our parents. Our inconsistent parent child relationships caused us to feel an overwhelming fear of abandonment. We are left too inexperienced and fearful to let ourselves get close to anyone.
8) We overreact to changes over which we have no control. As young children the addict’s life was inflicted on us as part of our environment. Our only recourse was to try to take control totally. Now any change which we are unaware of or have no control over leaves us feeling desperate and vulnerable.
9) We constantly seek approval and affirmation. The love we received as children was very erratic. The affirmations we didn’t get on a day to day basis as children, we interpreted as negative, leaving us with low self images. If someone likes us, gives us affirmation and accepts us, we usually judge them worthless. Our low self images thrive on this.
10) Because of our secretive childhood sufferings, we thought that things were always better in the “house next door.” NOBODY could possibly feel the same way as we did. Therefore, we felt unique, not a part of the group, and always looking in through an imaginary barrier.
11) We are super responsible or super irresponsible. So much of our lives are all or nothing when trying to please our parents we did more and more and more; some of us realized early in our childhood, that there simply was no pleasing them, so we did nothing. We people please until we burn out for two basic reasons; one, because we don’t have a realistic sense of our own capabilities or, two because if we say NO, we’re afraid someone might find out how inadequate we feel and no longer like us.
12) We are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. Since starting a relationship is so difficult and frightening, when we do so we expect it to be permanent. This loyalty is usually caused by fear of abandonment. At home we always “hung in there” enabling the addict and denying the disease.
13) We are impulsive. As children our impulsivity was usually denied or covered up by our parents. We seldom suffered the consequences for impulsivity, leaving us with no deterrent, and we allow our impulsive behavior to continue in our adult lives.
(Adapted from Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D., 1987.)